The Silence of Winter

It has been nearly a year since I created this blog. When I think back one year I recognize just how much evolution has happened in myself and my life during that relatively short time. A year ago I was on the tail end of a major life change, a reevaluation and reconstruction of my self, my life, my priorities, and my relationships. Now, a year later, I find myself in a very quiet place. The turmoil of deconstruction and reconstruction has subsided and I am drawn to quiet reflection.

Winter is always a time of quiet for me anyway. I am such a creature of the sun and the summer that I tend to hibernate this time of year, literally and figuratively. I have thought many times recently about making a new post here, but was unable to come up with a topic.

So now I reflect.

When I think about this last year as a whole, what stands out the most for me is a feeling of having shifted my perspective. For most of my life I have struggled or fought my way through to get where I needed to be, or to get what I thought I needed to be happy. I was always looking forward, to a goal, or to a time in the future where I believed I would have accomplished all I needed to be happy. I fought hard for these goals and ideals and accomplished a great deal.

But, when I reached my goal I never stopped. I kept pushing farther to the next goal because that one was obviously not enough. I was not happy or content. I still needed to fight for more.

When I think back through this last year I see myself for the most part still doing this desperate dog paddle, keeping my head barely above the surface. But I began to see that there was no magical point at which I would suddenly have all that I needed. I began to see that if I just slowed down and looked, those things were already there. I was just to blinded by the spray of my own desperate thrashing to see it. At some point in this year I realized that this constant struggle was no longer necessary. I paddled to the shore and climbed out.

The silence and stillness that I feel now is the quiet of rest. I am sitting on the shore and gazing out at the water and how far I've come.

I think it is very easy to be drawn into this kind of goal oriented movement, especially as a young person, and especially in our current culture. Things move so fast and there are so many unrealistic depictions of a "normal" or "happy" life out there that we never slow down long enough to evaluate what is normal or happy for us as individuals. Because it is very different for each person. I am glad to have had the experience of striving for goals and the feeling of accomplishment of reaching them. And now I am glad to stop. To rest and reflect in the stillness of winter.

Who knows what may bloom in the spring.