Summer Rain

You know it is interesting, I have noticed that I always make blog posts when I am at my best, or have had some amazing or enlightening experience. It makes for light and happy reading, but it is not really the reality of my life right now. Sure, it is a part of the reality, but it is truly not the whole picture.

The reality is, I am deep in grief a good deal of the time these days.

I am in a situation now where I am staying in a friend's apartment (cat-sitting) for the next 2 and a half weeks. It has removed me just enough from my "normal" existence so that the full weight of my current reality has had a chance to catch up with me. I feel the truth of my existence, alone. All my adult life I have had a steady partner, someone I could rely on, trust, share with. Now I do not. Don't get me wrong, I have awesome friends, (which I am amazingly grateful for) but anyone who says that friends are a substitute for that someone special is fooling themselves. We all know that, right?

Being here alone has been a little like some kind of retreat, some kind of enforced silent meditation. The apartment is situated in a very quiet pastoral setting, I bike to work, I do yoga in the morning sunshine, I feed the kitties (we try to talk, but they just don't get me ;)

I cannot escape the thoughts or feelings that come, and I cannot fool myself about the reality of my transitional situation, so I just have to sit with these thoughts and feelings, get to know them, give them some space, accept the pain that comes, and then try to let them go. I know that over time, I will heal. I know that over time I will feel strong and whole again. But damn, this part is hard.

So that is where I am tonight, sitting in a friend's apartment, listening to the birds singing and the gentle patter of the rain and feeling sad. But I know you are all out there, and I know that this is not my life. I am walking the long uphill path to something new.