Thoughts at 35

In the grand scheme of things, a birthday does not  mean much. It is another day where we work, eat, breathe, sleep and generally live. We do the same thing the next day. But birthdays give us pause as well. We tend to slow down, reflect and take stock of where we are and how the time is flowing.

I did some reflecting yesterday. When I was in my 20s and becoming an independent adult, I made some general long-term goals for myself. I knew that by 30 I wanted to be done with school and working in my career as a teacher. When 30 rolled around I was able to say that I had achieved those goals. I felt pretty good about myself. I had a loving partner, a home, a good job and some security for the future in the form of my career and education.

I realized yesterday as I was reflecting that I have been kind of floating since then. I wanted to have a family in my 30s, but that has been forced onto the back burner many times by circumstance. I have moved to a foreign country and had such a rich experience living here. I have gained more experience in my field, and have benefited greatly from that. But I have been restless and searching. Where I am right now at 35, living and teaching in Zurich Switzerland, launching a new life on my own at the end of 10 years of marriage is nowhere I could have imagined myself.

In life I have always made an effort to make choices that have the feeling of truth for me. To be alive is such an insecure position that we are tempted to tie it down with bonds that shore up our lives. To create the illusion of security. Sometimes when we are faced with choices, there are ones that feel true but have such risk attached to them that we cannot accept untying those bonds in the face of the inherent instability of our position as living beings. At times I have made choices to walk that "other" path. I have done so out of a love for the vibrancy of a life fully lived, out of a fierce devotion to truth, and for the change and growth that comes from new experiences. It has kept my spirit and my soul alive. But here I find myself looking back. The temptation is to try to get a peek at what was down the other paths, the ones I did not take. But I know that regret and "what ifs" are a useless poison for the future.

So I take stock, and I think it is time for a new vision. A vision for 40. Life is a twisted path, and as we travel it we often can't see what is coming around the corner, but at some point we have to pick a direction. To move with purpose. I will begin by embracing myself and my life as it comes to me, without judgement, regret or fear. I will love my self and my life and be grateful for all those walking at my side on this path. Then I have to look and feel for those "truths" when they come. Let's see what happens.....

Thank you all for your love and birthday wishes. I have felt truly blessed today.