Historical Musings.....and Music

Last night I had the opportunity to listen to one of the most talented musical groups I have ever known, in a beautiful and historical setting. I was listening to the Valentin Berlinsky Quartet at the Zunfthaus zur Waag (in the courtyard of the Fraumunster Church).

These are the moments when I really appreciate how special it is to be here.

Here I am, listening to an amazing group of performers, who I have had the opportunity to meet and know personally through friends here, in a building that existed during the lifetime of the composer whose pieces were being performed.....I sat there, looking around and imagining how many times that piece has been performed in a place here in Zurich. It gives such depth to the experience to not only hear music beautifully performed, but to be in such an intimate and rich setting.

I had to take some photos:

Summer Rain

You know it is interesting, I have noticed that I always make blog posts when I am at my best, or have had some amazing or enlightening experience. It makes for light and happy reading, but it is not really the reality of my life right now. Sure, it is a part of the reality, but it is truly not the whole picture.

The reality is, I am deep in grief a good deal of the time these days.

I am in a situation now where I am staying in a friend's apartment (cat-sitting) for the next 2 and a half weeks. It has removed me just enough from my "normal" existence so that the full weight of my current reality has had a chance to catch up with me. I feel the truth of my existence, alone. All my adult life I have had a steady partner, someone I could rely on, trust, share with. Now I do not. Don't get me wrong, I have awesome friends, (which I am amazingly grateful for) but anyone who says that friends are a substitute for that someone special is fooling themselves. We all know that, right?

Being here alone has been a little like some kind of retreat, some kind of enforced silent meditation. The apartment is situated in a very quiet pastoral setting, I bike to work, I do yoga in the morning sunshine, I feed the kitties (we try to talk, but they just don't get me ;)

I cannot escape the thoughts or feelings that come, and I cannot fool myself about the reality of my transitional situation, so I just have to sit with these thoughts and feelings, get to know them, give them some space, accept the pain that comes, and then try to let them go. I know that over time, I will heal. I know that over time I will feel strong and whole again. But damn, this part is hard.

So that is where I am tonight, sitting in a friend's apartment, listening to the birds singing and the gentle patter of the rain and feeling sad. But I know you are all out there, and I know that this is not my life. I am walking the long uphill path to something new.

Well Met

I met a woman on the tram today. It was one of those situations where I had carefully chosen the seat that I knew was least likely to attract a fellow passenger. She tottered right up and asked if she could sit. Of course, I said. (Imagine this in Swiss/High German)

Immediately I knew, she was a talker. The majority of the people I encounter in my daily life here could care less if the person next to them was engulfed in flames, but every once in a while, you meet these people who really respond to that American openness. They want to talk.

A good three quarters of them are mildly to majorly crazy.

I quickly summed up this lady, judging weather I needed to make a break for it at the next stop. 30 minutes later I was glad I hung in there.

This woman is 83 years old. She has lived in the Zurich area all her life, swimming there in the lake (one of her favorite pastimes), hiking in the mountains, and living her life. As we passed Burkliplatz,

From Christmas in Switzerland

she couldn't help but marvel at the beauty of the snow covered mountains and the sun-drenched water. She has seen it almost every day of her life here, but was viewing it with open eyes, seeing the beauty as fresh and new.

She shared with me not only stories from her life, but the power and fire that has fueled her journey. She is in the moment and so alive. Blind in one eye, and no longer able to do all the things she once loved, but without regret and without despair. Her family has passed away, and most of her friends are gone or ill, but she still loves to walk in the mountains, and is strong and grateful for her health. None of this was posturing from her side. Just genuine love for life...the joy of a life well lived.

When we got to my stop (at my garden) I bid her farewell. She took my hand in hers and wished me a wonderful life, and much joy. It is the greatest blessing possibly I have ever received.

I walked away feeling very young, and very hopeful for the years ahead.

Gardening

So it is spring again! And now that the rain has stopped, and it is finally nice and warm outside, I have been spending a lot of time in the garden again.

This year I have a unique situation because I will be in the US learning how to be a farm school teacher during the most intense part of the growing season. So I decided to really limit my plantings. I am growing a few things that take a long time to ripen (potatoes, beets, winter squash and pumpkins) and the rest of the beds I am planting cover crops in. I discovered this perfect solution when I was researching different ways to compost and fertilize. There are certain kinds of plants that actually improve the quality of the soil as they are growing, then after they are finished blooming you just till in the entire crop and leave it to compost naturally. The density of the plants also keeps weeds down, so it is just a perfect solution for leaving the garden to fend for itself for a month or so.




This morning I was also doing some interesting research about small self-sufficient farms and homesteading. I found some great information about applying for grants and the financial end of start-up. Good food for dreaming about the future! Lots to look forward to.

Awesome

On my birthday, I had a small party with some close friends at a cute little "American" diner here in Zurich. It was a nice low-key evening and I felt all warm and happy with all the love of my people here close to me.
One of my friends gave me a book that night. It is the Book of Awesome. I have to say, this has been a wonderful reading experience so far. It is all those little things that make life really grand that you just do not think about often enough.

Well, yesterday another friend forwarded me the TED talk that the author of this book gave. After watching it, I love this book even more. Take the time to watch this. It will make your day....
Awesome.

Click here to watch "The 3 A's of Awesome"

Thoughts at 35

In the grand scheme of things, a birthday does not  mean much. It is another day where we work, eat, breathe, sleep and generally live. We do the same thing the next day. But birthdays give us pause as well. We tend to slow down, reflect and take stock of where we are and how the time is flowing.

I did some reflecting yesterday. When I was in my 20s and becoming an independent adult, I made some general long-term goals for myself. I knew that by 30 I wanted to be done with school and working in my career as a teacher. When 30 rolled around I was able to say that I had achieved those goals. I felt pretty good about myself. I had a loving partner, a home, a good job and some security for the future in the form of my career and education.

I realized yesterday as I was reflecting that I have been kind of floating since then. I wanted to have a family in my 30s, but that has been forced onto the back burner many times by circumstance. I have moved to a foreign country and had such a rich experience living here. I have gained more experience in my field, and have benefited greatly from that. But I have been restless and searching. Where I am right now at 35, living and teaching in Zurich Switzerland, launching a new life on my own at the end of 10 years of marriage is nowhere I could have imagined myself.

In life I have always made an effort to make choices that have the feeling of truth for me. To be alive is such an insecure position that we are tempted to tie it down with bonds that shore up our lives. To create the illusion of security. Sometimes when we are faced with choices, there are ones that feel true but have such risk attached to them that we cannot accept untying those bonds in the face of the inherent instability of our position as living beings. At times I have made choices to walk that "other" path. I have done so out of a love for the vibrancy of a life fully lived, out of a fierce devotion to truth, and for the change and growth that comes from new experiences. It has kept my spirit and my soul alive. But here I find myself looking back. The temptation is to try to get a peek at what was down the other paths, the ones I did not take. But I know that regret and "what ifs" are a useless poison for the future.

So I take stock, and I think it is time for a new vision. A vision for 40. Life is a twisted path, and as we travel it we often can't see what is coming around the corner, but at some point we have to pick a direction. To move with purpose. I will begin by embracing myself and my life as it comes to me, without judgement, regret or fear. I will love my self and my life and be grateful for all those walking at my side on this path. Then I have to look and feel for those "truths" when they come. Let's see what happens.....

Thank you all for your love and birthday wishes. I have felt truly blessed today.

The Luddite Gives In....and other springtime tales

So, I have spent the majority of my life eschewing most modern technology. I really love to live a simple life, connected to the natural world, and using mostly my own power and ingenuity to get what I need. Some exceptions have been, my adoption of a laptop and cell phone during my Montessori training in Minnesota, and my acceptance of Facebook and Skype when I moved here to Switzerland. Most recently, of course, the creation of this blog.

Well, I took one further step into the realm of new communication technology. I have a "smart phone." Initially I thought that this would be a colossal waste for me. I am really not interested in telling everyone online where I am at all times, I do not want to sit at the lake on a beautiful sunny day and look only at the screen on my phone (as I see so many people do), and I am no longer on Facebook, so uploading photos and such is not a real draw for me. I came around when I realized that I could (as I did yesterday) sit in a tram on my way home and receive a Skype call from my mom. I could sit and chat with her just as if she was in the same city as me.

What an awesome benefit and comfort for someone so far from home and loved ones :)

Here are a few photos taken over the last few days with my new phone:



This last week, the city started to warm up, literally and figuratively. It is a funny thing to notice. The people who live in Zurich are pretty comparable to any "big city" types. They go through the day stressed, heads down, pushing through crowds and not having much consideration or sympathy for the people around them.

After having lived here for almost 3 years I can understand why people here are like this to a certain extent. It is like any other animal in a hostile environment, they have developed acute defense mechanisms to adapt to their environment. Well, that all changes on the first sunny warm days in the spring. It is so funny to watch. They lift their faces up from the cold grey cobblestones and find those first rays of light shining down, then they look around and smile. They laugh with friends in the street, they talk to strangers, they lie on the grass at the lake, they play music in the parks, and they fall in love again. The transformation is so remarkable that the city is truly unrecognizable from itself just 4 weeks earlier.

I was sitting at the lake this week with a friend who shares my occasional disdain for the city life here in Zurich. A month ago we were grumbling about life here, how unfriendly the people are, how awful the weather is, and how generally bleak and hopeless life is in this place. Last week we sat there on the grass by the lake, drinking a glass of wine, watching the swans curl their necks in their courtship rituals, squinting into the dazzling diamonds reflected from the surface of the water where the sailboats were tied up, bobbing like excited children waiting to be let out to play on this beautiful day. Both of us sighed and said just how much we love living here.

Then laughed hilariously at ourselves.